Why Arguing On WhatsApp Could Be Good For Your Relationship

Quarrels via text reduce emotional volume and provide time to reflect, say researchers

If you’re going to argue with your spouse or partner, do it on WhatsApp.

It’s a great way to understand yourself and understand your partner, say researchers, especially for Generation X – people born from 1965 to 1980 – who grew up before smartphones.

WhatsApp allows you to tone down emotional volume, reflect for a moment before screaming something you may later regret, and learn from the mistakes you – or possibly even your partner – have made.

“You can go back and read through it later on, when you’re not so upset, and better understand your spouse,” says Dr. Gali Einav, researcher at Reichman University, in Herzliya, who worked on the project.

She says exchanging messages provides couples with “another place to fight” and can offer benefits over face-to-face confrontations.

“You can hash out all your aggression on WhatsApp. And then when you meet face to face, you’re much more relaxed,” Einav tells NoCamels.

“Also when you read through it, you’re able to better understand your behavior. So if you’re aware of the way you respond, then you can maybe change it later on.

“And you can use it to add an additional layer to the relationship, send an emoji or something like that.”

WhatsApp, launched in 2009, is the world’s biggest messaging service, with 2 billion users and over 100 billion messages sent every day.

Einav worked with Tal Nadel-Harony and Prof. Yair Galili from the university’s Sammy Ofer School of Communications, researching 18 couples from different backgrounds, all aged 35 to 50 and living in Israel, who have been in a relationship for over five years.

Most couples agreed that their WhatsApp interactions mirrored their face-to-face dynamics, but were likely to be more measured and less intense.

One couple described their face-to-face fights as “loud and short”. On WhatsApp, they admitted they didn’t actually listen to each other any more than they would to face-to-face, but they did express themselves more resposnsibly.

Another couple described their face-to-face quarrels as “bullets flying in all directions”. On WhatsApp however they said it was “not heavy artillery”. They said that while they could both be unkind to each other on WhatsApp, the chances of a quarrel reaching fever pitch were low.

WhatsApp reduces the volume of disputes, but allows couples to cover the same issues as in a face-to-face quarrel.

One participant said that in the “real” world: “I shout, and I don’t care if the whole world is listening. I can bark and bite like a crazy dog without letting go.” On WhatsApp, by comparison, they said they would “nag” by sending multiple exclamation marks.

WhatsApp has the potential to bring the argument down a notch. One man described his wife’s reactions on WhatsApp, saying, “Face-to-face she shouts, over the phone she barks, and on WhatsApp she yawns.”

Most of the couples who took part in the year-long study said they only used the text feature on WhatsApp and avoided voice notes. “There’s no sound to WhatsApp text messages, and that’s what keeps the argument lower key,” said one male participant.

“Many things we say instinctively won’t be written, as we aren’t indifferent to our choice of words.”

He said WhatsApp filters and tones down the dispute. Others observed that “the force of the argument isn’t constantly being reignited by facial expressions”. The decline in intensity is a result of the time that arguers take to process their thoughts. Their arguments didn’t reach the same peaks as a face-to-face dispute, and the message exchange takes place over a longer period.

WhatsApp also allows humor to calm things down. “It takes one funny remark on WhatsApp to assuage anger and dissolve the conflict before dragging it out for a whole day,” said one participant. “When I’m finished being right, I send something interesting to change the subject.”

The researchers found that as well as turning down the volume and slowing the pace, WhatsApp arguments also provided an opportunity for review and reflection when things had calmed down.

One couple said: “Our correspondence via WhatsApp is a language we have developed, and it helps us find a way to resolve things, sometimes by laughing at the fight with the right emoji, or at least putting it in proportion.”

Einav says: “You can go back and see the way that you wrote what you were and how you responded. So you have that awareness, you can make changes and understand how you would like to manage these relationships later on.”

Or as one participant put it, “sometimes re-reading the correspondence (during a fight) helps me understand my partner’s motivation.”

Correspondence over WhatsApp not only offers another venue to conduct the relationship, but it can also help save it,” the researchers concluded.

Results of the study, Let’s WhatsApp! Generation X couples’ online and offline relationship patterns in the digital age, are published in New Media & Society, a peer-reviewed academic journal covering communication.

Einav says she now plans to do further research, on the dynamics of family WhatsApp groups.

SEE ALSO: Beware, flirting online could ruin your relationship

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